If you’re someone who deals with stress and anxiety, the unwanted mental and physical effects can creep up during the most inopportune times. Perhaps you’re just hanging out, catching up on the latest episode of your favorite TV show and suddenly you begin to worry about everything in your life. Maybe you’re worrying about nothing in particular, but feel panicky nonetheless. Symptoms of anxiety include ruminating in your own thoughts, focusing on past regrets, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a general feeling of impending doom. It’s a sneaky not-so-little feeling that can happen at any moment. And one of the worst moments it can strike is when you’re having sex and trying to orgasm.
“Anxiety and stress can have a huge impact on someone’s physical and mental health all around the body and, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for sex, arousal and pleasure to be affected, too,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Melissa Cook tells Refinery29. During sex you’ll want to be present and enjoy the moment, but if you’re feeling anxiety during the act — whether it’s related or unrelated to sex — that can be a problem for your pleasure and your partner’s. This inability to be in the moment can affect your ability to climax.
Of course, orgasming isn’t the only goal of sex, but for many it’s an important part of the sexual experience. And if you’re feeling anxious during foreplay, intercourse, oral play, or other sexual activities, reaching climax becomes harder, making it feel almost unreachable. Here’s exactly how feelings of anxiousness and stress can mess with your orgasms, and what you can do about it.
Anxiety Kills The Mood In Your Brain
For many people, focus is a critical element in experiencing an orgasm. And this is especially the case for those with vulvas. Many of us are conditioned to cater to our partner’s pleasure (especially if that partner is a cis man), putting it above our own, as society has long given precedent to the male orgasm. For those who aren’t men, orgasm can often feel secondary: great if it occurs, but certainly not necessary for a complete sexual experience.
Focusing on our bodies, without shame, can prove very difficult given this context. Though it varies from person to person, it takes the average woman about twenty minutes to become aroused enough to have intercourse. Allowing yourself the time to relax and get to that place can be an anxious person’s personal hell.
When you’re anxious, you typically can’t focus or be “in the mood” to orgasm. According to Avril Louise Clarke, a clinical sexologist and intimacy coordinator at ERIKALUST, anxiety has the ability to disrupt sexual energy and pull you entirely out of a positive headspace. “These negative emotions can interfere with the body’s ability to relax and fully engage in sexual activities,” she says. “The ‘fight or flight’ response triggered by stress can lead to heightened tension, making it difficult to reach orgasm.” In other words, when your mind is elsewhere, it creates a barrier to sexual pleasure.
“What’s more, when someone is anxious, they may be more likely to be self-critical of themselves, including about their body or sexual performance,” Cook adds. “This can affect someone’s self-worth and their overall sexual body image which can prevent someone from reaching orgasm or fully enjoying the experience.”
And it’s not just orgasms that are impacted by anxiety and stress. “In fact, sex as a whole can be affected by these feelings,” Cook explains. “To begin with, any type of stress, but especially chronic stress, can decrease someone’s desire to have sex. An anxious or stressed mind can result in someone not being fully present in the moment, meaning they lack libido or struggle to focus during sex.”
Anxiety Messes With Arousal
Stress and anxiety have long been linked to physical sexual concerns, as well. “This is because anxiety and stress can alter the body’s blood vessels and constrict them which makes it harder for someone to experience arousal and pleasure as during an orgasm the blood vessels rush to the genitalia.”
When you are aroused and when you orgasm, the body is flooded with dopamine, the brain’s motivation hormone, and oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which promotes feelings of tranquility, closeness, and pair bonding. It’s a cocktail of all things that feel good.
When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. It is basically the arch-nemesis of orgasms. “Studies have found that an increase in the hormone cortisol can reduce overall sensitivity, again making it harder for that person to feel aroused and achieve orgasm,” Cook says. Plus, apart from stress’ impact on sex, studies have also linked cortisol to poor sleep, weight gain, and overall feelings of personal distress.
Because of these hormonal changes, stress and anxiety can also lead to vaginal discomfort. “In women, anxiety can result in the vagina muscles contracting frequently which can make penetration very challenging and sometimes painful,” Cook says. This can lead to pain, spotting, or tearing during sex. In short, anxiety impedes your ability to create the hormones needed to become properly sexually aroused.
How To Stop Anxiety From Hindering Your Orgasms
So how exactly can you have more orgasms and try to quiet the anxious thoughts inside your brain? “The most important thing to remember is you’re not alone and there are plenty of steps you can take that will help you to hopefully feel more relaxed in the bedroom and get closer to achieving orgasm,” Cook says.
Forget About Orgasms
For one, when you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, you become more stressed about not orgasming, which only makes experiencing orgasm that much harder. It’s a treacherous sexual catch-22. So, you might want to consider taking orgasm off the table for a bit and stop making climax the goal of sex. Learning to give weight to sexual pleasure in and of itself, rather than holding orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual fulfillment is a beneficial practice, in general. If you take away the pressure, sometimes things just flow better and make the whole experience enjoyable.
Communicate With Your Partner/s
Communication between sexual partners also goes a long way to help with stress in the bedroom. “I always advise couples to communicate first, in a safe and non-judgemental way,” says Cook. “Perhaps there is something that you feel you need in order to be able to orgasm or maybe you’d like to do things differently. Either way, you should both listen to each other and create an open environment where you can talk about your desires, preferences and boundaries.”
Build A Relaxing Environment
In the bedroom itself, it can also be helpful to build the right, comfortable atmosphere. “Consider lighting, candles and music to help you to relax and get into the moment,” Cook says. “You may also want to try foreplay in various settings including in the bath to help you to switch off.”
Try Breathwork Exercises
Another way to combat anxiety when it comes creeping in during sex is to simply breathe, which we often forget to do during sex. “Techniques to help you stay calm and focused on the sensations can help too, such as breathwork,” says Cook. Consciously pulling your breath into your body, letting it fill you, and releasing it slowly can help calm your mind and body. For more techniques, check out more breathing exercises here.
Avoid Drugs & Alcohol
Though it may sound counterintuitive, you should also avoid things like alcohol and drugs if you’re having trouble orgasming due to stress and anxiety. “While many see them as a relaxant, it’s also common for them to impact sexual ability and function,” Cook says.
Perhaps most importantly, though, try your best not to panic if you’re feeling anxious during sex. Be open about your feelings with your partner. Accept this challenge as a part of your life and commit to alleviating anxiety, when possible. Remember, it’s OK to ask for help.
Don’t Suffer In Silence
Anxiety — whether it’s a disorder you struggle with daily or something that happens sporadically — is a huge pain, but if we take time to recognize it for what it is and develop skills to cope, we can keep it from messing with our orgasms.
Orgasms aside, it’s also important to recognize the kind of anxiety you experience, whether it is sporadic or a more far-reaching mental health issue. If you experience debilitating anxiety on a regular basis, seeking professional help is a great first step. Society stigmatizes mental health almost as much as it does sex. Depending on the person, anxiety may or may not need the help of outside sources. Regardless, taking control of yours is a sign of strength.
