'Only Murders in the Building' Season 3: Here's all the lyrics to the 'Pickwick Triplets' song

Which of the Pickwick Triplets did it? Who of the crew could commit this crime?

Up until Only Murders in the Building Season 3, episode 8, we'd only heard a brief mouthful of the Death Rattle: The Musical patter song performed by Charles (Steve Martin) about the notorious Pickwick Triplets — and even that was enough to lodge it firmly in our heads for days.

Now we've finally been treated to the full "Pickwick Triplets" number, and it's every bit as fast-paced and farcical as we'd hoped.

In the tradition of famous musical theatre patter songs like "The Major-General's Song" from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance, the Pickwick Triplets song speeds through tongue-twisters at such a rate that it's tricky to catch all of the words.

The good news? We've done our best to transcribe them below. If you're going to have the thing playing in your head on a loop, you might as well know the lyrics...

What are the lyrics to the Pickwick triplets patter song?

Three little babes in their bassinets.
Angelic little triplets?
Or triple-threats?

They might have fooled the others, but they won't fool me.
It's time to give these thieving scheming three
The third degree.

Which of the Pickwick Triplets did it?
Who of the crew could commit this crime?
Might a little brat, make a mommy go splat?
It's a story pretty gory for a nursery rhyme.

Which of the Pickwick Triplets did it?
Which of the spawn had the brawn to kill?
Will a baby get tried for matricide?
Coochi-coochi-coo, time for you or you or you, to admit it.
So quick as a whip gotta pick which Pickwick Triplet did it.

Penelope in pink sure is making quite a stink,
Is she trying to throw me off the scent?
Though she bats her little eyes is she a killer in disguise
With a diaper full of criminal intent?

Preening Patrick is pernicious with an appetite so vicious
He would bite the hand that feeds him with a sneer.
But could that rotten tot be behind this evil plot,
Baby-stepping towards a murderous career?

Pouty little Paco's looking coy but he's a bad, bad boy,
Could Paco's passion prove apocalyptic?
With his paci and his rattle did this pisher go to battle
Proving he's the perp amidst this Pickwick triptych?

In this picaresque puzzle of the Pickwick pack
Will a lighthouse shed some light
On which kid gave old mom a whack?
There's an infant to indict.
I'll book this little crook tonight.
But...

Which of the Pickwick Triplets did it?
Who of the crew would commit this crime?
Which little brat, made mommy go splat
Which Pickwick sib will be doing hard time?

Which of the Pickwick Triplets did it?
Which little putz had the guts to kill?
Like a forensic pediatrician I'll complete this inquisition,
I will name the neonatal from the cradle that proved fatal,
I will find the perpetrator who did murder to their mater...

Or coochi-coochi-coo,
What if none of it is true?
Has my inspection been too cursory?
Should I look outside this nursery?
What if none of the Pickwick Triplets did it?
Who'd have had a menacing motive and hid it?
Who? Who? Who?
Well
I
Pick
You!

How long will it be before people are performing their own cover versions?

Only Murders in the Building Season 3 is streaming on Hulu.