MLB is about two New York Yankees achieving perfection of late, one on the mound and the other at … the plate. That is part of what made baseball fun this week, among other things.
Making sense of all the nonsense baseball gave us this week through pop culture references!
I have tried to avoid writing things about the New York Yankees, mostly because everyone else hates them, but sometimes, the haters can't hate. Life is about raising your standards in an attempt to achieve perfection. Nobody's perfect, but Domingo German was on Wednesday night. I didn't see it happen in real-time, so maybe y'all are lying to me. I don't have a great answer to that.
What I really cared about prior to German things was this rookie Anthony Volpe guy housing chicken parm like he's Peyton Manning in a Nationwide commercial, or Brady Quinn merely having dinner in South Florida. Surely, there are downsides to being a meathead, but are there any to being a Chicken Man? Wade Boggs got into the Hall of Fame because of chicken, and Miller Lites!
He too played for the Yankees and had the epic mustache to prove it. Instead of looking like Paul Blart Mall Cops on the reg, this is the biggest moment the Yankees have had since Barack Obama was in office, 100 percent. I don't know what Aaron Boone is these days, and neither do you, but his team is having a moment. Just don't party too hard and have to sleep under your desk afterward.
Across the river, the New York Mets are not exactly amazing, while their NL East rival Atlanta Braves are too Hard to Handle now. While the Mets could use some Remedy, as they are mad Jealous Again, only A Conspiracy is going to stop Atlanta from winning a sixth-consecutive division title. When Throw It Again comes back to bite you Twice as Hard, you don't talk to angels.
Hey, little thing, let me light a candle 'cause these segments are hard to handle now, mess around!
Just when I thought Buhler couldn't possibly be any dumber, he went and did something like this … and totally redeemed himself … with these segments!
- But what about the fans???
- Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale!
- So this is a thing now?!
- The Dude of the Week, man
But what about the fans??? Baseball, you sound like you're from London
I'm going to be real with y'all. Not until I saw this tweet did I know what two teams were playing over in London. Usually when the Chicago Cubs play the St. Louis Cardinals, I am reminded of all the shenanigans I adjacently endured when I lived in Wrigleyville off Sheffield from 2018 to 2021. But for now, these always-bitter NL Central rivals sound like they're from London. Cheerio, mate!
London was calling ahead of this clash of midwestern titans. Like I said before, this division rivalry had a major, major influence on me, like Aldous Snow did on that guy who later stroked the furry walls and got him to The Greek! There are a lot of things you can do, and shouldn't do, When the World Slips You a Jeffrey. No one's afraid of a Jeffrey, except for maybe dogs on Guy Fawkes Day…
I don't know if they played the 1812 Overture or signaled V for victory afterward, but let's just say the Man from Room 5 had a good time. We never saw his face, just like I never saw this game because instead of giving this "CD" a listen, I just carried on living my life. As you sulk back to the Kapua Suite to weep like an elderly woman, Inside of You, you must find the strength to carry on.
Good for the Londoners of the world to come to the ballpark for some Bangers, Beans and Mash.
So this is a thing now?! | The Dude of the Week, man
Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale!: Steve Cohen's Mets are Tobias Fünke crying in a bathtub broken
For schadenfreude reasons, I almost thought about watching the saddest and most pathetic of press conferences, but I decided cleaning my bathroom was a better use of my time. As scrubbed the toilet, I come to see the irony of the lot in life that is Steve Cohen's New York Mets. They used to be good; what happened? You cannot make this many GOB Bluth huge mistakes and recover.
I don't think the following is true, but needless to say, I am concerned for Mr. Met's well-being…
For the Keith Hernandezes and Sal Licatas of the world, I almost feel bad for you. But it's like watching Tobias Fünke trying to look for work while sitting on a public couch. When the business cards don't work, you will never get to find out where the magic is happening. It could be across from anywhere, but you are going to need more than a Golden T necklace to fix … this!
There's always money in the banana stand, but what happens when you are no longer into the monkey business? No touching of the Bobby Bonilla annuity at all! His bank account will grow like the interest payment on a NINJA loan. It never worked for the fine people of Sacramendi, but it might work for us! Huzzah! You sir, are a mouthful! Just gotta help Daddy get his rocks off first.
Good luck asking for all your money back from Carl Weathers when baby, you got a stew going!
But what about the fans??? | The Dude of the Week, man
So this is a thing now?! Them Hand Dancin' Braves is hell, don't they?!
Look. I know the New York Mets are completely broken since their Polar Bear asked for the Elder Wand to Throw It Again, but the Atlanta Braves are straight-cooking everyone now, dawg. They took two of three vs. the once red-hot Cincinnati Reds, in addition to inventing something known as The Hand Dance. This is the butt-hurt radio call from Philadelphia that inspired a phenomenon.
The Braves can Hand Dance if they want to, and leave your bad baseball team behind.
Just remember you can always Hand, Dance, whenever you're falling apart to half time. We're at roughly the halfway point of the season, and I don't see the Braves slowing down their Hand Dancing ways anytime soon. Let's be real. Together, Marcell Ozuna and Ron Washington are doing more for hands than Buster Bluth did in Army or when Uncle Jack entered the court of Bird Law.
There are only two things I know for certain about the Hand Dance. One, there is no wrong way to do it other than to just get after it. And two, I want to do the Hand Dance with Wash before I die. Let's be real. That Reds' series aged us all by decades, wrinkling like a raisin in the hot summer sun. I Heard It Through the Grapevine this is the best Braves team of all time. What's Going On?!
It goes without saying, but them Hand Dancin' Braves is hell, don't they?! You don't even know!
But what about the fans??? | Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale!
The Dude of the Week, man: I'm sorry I can't be perfect like Domingo German, so I'm gonna house some chicken parm like Anthony Volpe because it tastes so good
Heading into Wednesday's unforgettable night, that may or may not have happened, Domingo German had one Simple Plan. He'd Do Anything to go 27 up, 27 down. While I'm sorry I can't be Perfect, German was on this one particular night. All the while, New York Yankees rookie sensation teammate Anthony Volpe is devouring more chicken parm than any human should ever consume.
I don't know if the Yankees are good, but they sure as hell are interesting. They are probably better than any team Donnie Baseball's sideburns played for. Nobody likes you when you're 23. As a 30-something, I keep asking myself What's My Age Again? All the Small Things keep adding up, just like that chicken parm does to my waistline with a side of Dude Ranch. I guess this is growing up?
It's all about achieving goals, really, whether they be fitness ones or of any other variety. When you toe the rubber, you want to go The Distance, and for speed! German just said 27 up, 27 down is a piece of Cake. While I'm no Fashion Nugget, i will do my best to Survive the amount of chicken parm you throw my way, doing my best impersonation of Peyton Manning or Brady Quinn in that.
Life is about being closer to Manning in the NFL, Wade Boggs in MLB and Quinn … at Notre Dame…
But what about the fans??? | Oh, my god. We're having a fire … sale! | So this is a thing now?!
