LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA: Kerry Washington’s new memoir, 'Thicker Than Water,' reveals the painful truth behind her childhood anxiety.
The actress, who rose to fame as the star of 'Scandal' suffered from “panic attacks at night” when she was only seven years old.
She blamed her parents’ constant fighting for triggering her condition. In an excerpt published by Oprah Daily, Washington described the terrifying sensations that plagued her every night.
Why couldn't Kerry Washington sleep at night?
“They manifested first as a rhythm of anxiety that encircled my brain, then evolved into a rapid pulsing, a whirling frenzy of metallic thumps, like those nauseating old spinning rides at a county fair,” she wrote.
"There was something so sad about the rhythm. And I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t sleep."
She tried to cope by rocking herself, hiding under a pillow, or falling asleep from exhaustion. But nothing could stop the “internal beat” and “rhythms of my heart.”
"I would try to sing a song, or recite a poem, or do anything I could think of to simply turn my brain off. But it would take hold in my fascia, then work outward through my muscles and tendons."
'I wanted them to stop fighting because I needed to feel safe'
"...I wanted them to stop fighting because I needed to feel safe." Part of her wanted the parents to know that, "I knew, that I heard them, that I was not being fooled by the smiles the next morning, by the whispers and the denials of their pain. I wanted to be in truth, even then."
One night, after witnessing another argument between her parents Earl and Valerie Washington, she decided to confront them.
She begged them to stop and saw her mother cry for the second time in her life.
'I was their dream come true'
Her mother confessed that she had wanted to create a perfect family, but felt like she was failing. She also hinted at a possible suicide attempt with a “homemade spa machine” that her father had given her.
The next day, however, her parents acted as if nothing had happened. Washington felt helpless and trapped. She decided to become “the good girl”, “the perfect child,” “the solution”.
She hoped that by being flawless, she could make her parents love themselves and each other again.
“After all, I was their dream come true,” she wrote. Washington’s memoir will be released on September 26.
